From the January 13th edition of the Doom-and-Gloom report:
It has been proven true: cows are the #1 cause of global warming.
"How can this be?" Ted Greenthum, head of CTWTWAGW (Campaign to Warn the World about Global Warming), raged. "How dare those cows have the GALL to have four stomachs? Don't they realize they're endangering everyone on this planet? How can they be so insensitive?"
When questioned about this, Bossy, the cow PR officer, responded with, "Moo."
"How dare they have to the gall to moo, stand there, and keep chewing their cud?" Greenthum was said to have nearly screamed. "We are demanding that people immediately stop eating beef!"
The President had reportedly asked the heads of the CTWTWAGW to calmly work with the leaders of the Anti-Global warming campaign to reach a suitable bipartisan agreement.
"I'm sure we can solve this easily." Bert Stand, head of Common Sense's Ltd., the anti-global warming organization, replied. "Let's all go down to McDonald's, we'll each order a couple 'a Big Macs, and we'll sit down and discuss this rationally."
This time, Greenthum was screaming. "How can you say that!?!" He responded. "We were just discussing how people shouldn't eat cows because it causes Global warming and will destroy the planet!"
Stand was said to have remained quiet for a moment, then replied, "But don't we have to eat the beef we already have? I mean, if we don't, then it will just decompose and add more Co2 to the Earth's atmosphere."
This discovery sent the CTWTWAGW into a frenzy. They immediately dispatched 32 1/2 scientist to affirm this discovery as quickly as possible.
"This is absolutely horrible." Linda Vegan, head spokeswoman of the CTWTWABGW, said in a press release. "Decomposing meat does have the possibility of releasing co2 into the atmosphere, so all beef must be eaten. However, if all beef is eaten, then meat packing companies will order and send out more beef. It's a never ending cycle of horror."
Currently, the CTWTWAGW is looking for a way around this conundrum. The Doom-and-Gloom Report will continue to keep you informed of further developments.
So, there it is. I tried to set it up like a newspaper story. I don't know why I wrote this, but I kinda like it. Yes, other than the fact that Gore and his cronies think cows cause global warming, I completely made this up. (Except the president. I didn't make him up.)
Well, there it is. I hope you enjoyed.
Story copyright 2009 to The All Real Numbers Symbol.